I wish I am finding you well and happy!
Today, I am writing the blog from a room of a friend of mine. In front of me, through the foggy window, a white blanket of snow is covering the green grass of the opposite park, enhancing the strong red of the DLR trains.
Today I feel to free write. There won’t be any topic but what I have experienced this morning, during a call with my coach Illa Khagram from Radian Lotus, which I deeply thank for taking the time, the honesty and the integrity to bringing me back to my centre. This is what I needed.
It happens to me very often that, when things start going in the direction I want, in the direction I expect, and I got recognition for what I do, my dear friend EGO, gets a little pumped up and tend to take a strong control. I don’t really know yet how to spot the moment where my ego kicks in and sits on the driving seat. But I know that he is a very fast driver, with the foot always on the accelerator.
He wants to do it, and he wants to do it quickly. He wants results and he wants results now. He wants to feel rewarded, and he wants to feel rewarded now. He wants appreciation, and he wants to feel appreciated now. He wants to be the best, and he wants to be the best now.
My ego is very proud, I cannot deny that. And he hates the feeling of being left behind. He hates the shame of being the last.
This is very empowering because I am moved from a strong drive to grow, learn, and excel in everything I do. And is also very limiting at the same time. I rarely allow myself the time to fully grow. I rarely allow myself the time to assess the beauty of the NOW. I rarely allow myself to be humble and I rarely allow myself to be vulnerable.
I rarely allow myself to be vulnerable.
Now, while writing, a strong emotion is coming up in a tear. A gentle tear.
Vulnerability, something I often preach, but rarely practice or show.
My ego wants to feel invincible.
My ego wants to feel that he has everything under control.
My ego wants to have an answer for everything.
Like Illa said before: “I see you affected by the COACH SYNDROME!!”
My ego often wear this thick mask of knowledge, wisdom and strength that is very difficult, even for me, to see what my Shining Self is really saying and really wants. And I misinterpret his messages. On the other hand my head is very strong and I am very connected to the thinking patterns of my past, losing focus on my emotions.
Now I am here writing and crying…
It has been a long time since last time I cried…. even for joy.
It’s a beautiful, liberating feelings…. And to all the people who believe that crying means weakness… well try it and you will let me know how you feel!
Or maybe it is me that I subconsciously believe that crying means weakness, that vulnerability means weakness.
Yes!! Now I got the point!!
It is great to have an epiphany while blogging!! I know what to work on now…
I value so much the opportunity that this blog gave me today to express feelings I had stored from such a long time. Allowing me to be vulnerable, allowing me to be Me.
Spend the next 10 min. being vulnerable and be true with yourself. Talk to Your Ego like you were talking to a friend and write down a letter to your Ego.
Start with: Dear Ego…………
and let your hand flow.
Don’t judge Your thoughts.
I have been introduced to this exercise, that now I do regularly, from Illa. It always have a great Healing Power.